July 3rd

A year ago today I became a mother...

6:00am
I eat half a bagel
7:00am
Contractions start and are about 2 minutes apart.
8:00am
Contractions still 1.5 - 2 minutes apart
9:00am
Contractions still 1.5 - 2 minutes apart
10:00am
Contractions still 1.5 - 2 minutes apart

This continues for a very long time.  I wasn't dilating so they gave me a foley bulb and told me that I should walk around a bit.  This was not easy and very messy.  I remember the nurse scolding me for getting blood all over the wires when I tried to get up to use the bathroom.  I started crying.   My amazing husband Ron told me that it wasn't my fault and I think he yelled at the nurse.

3:00pm
When I ask for pain medication the nurse tells me that my contractions aren't strong enough... "You are only having medium contractions"  OK LADY BUT I'VE BEEN HAVING THEM EVERY ONE AND A HALF MINUTES FOR 8 HOURS AND I HAVEN'T EATEN!!!  (I get very cranky when I don't eat)  She also said that they wouldn't give me an epidural until we were committed to having the baby today.  WHY DO YOU THINK I'M HERE LADY!?!?

3:30pm
The nurse gives in and sends in the anesthesiologist... let's call him jerk face.  And the fun begins!  I told him that I had scoliosis and he told me that it wouldn't be a problem.  Four tries later the jerk face finally gets the epidural in, but now my right leg is kicking uncontrollably.  No exaggeration, it was kicking from the knee down like someone was testing my reflexes.  My best friend the nurse finally said something to jerk face and his response was that he would try to fix it.  TRY!?!  At some point in time during this whole fiasco, my husband disappears.  I'm being jabbed in the spine repeatedly and my husband is feeling faint.

3:45pm
They break my water.

I guess I could go on and on hour by hour, but the contractions stayed 2 minutes apart the rest of the day into the evening.  Every once in a while the doctor would come in and check my dilation.  At some point in time early evening I was 5 cm dilated but Lilla was very content where she was.

6:00pm
12 hrs without food.

10:00pm
Ron and I begin to wonder if Lilla would be a June 4th baby.

10:30pm
Doctor comes in and tells me it's time to discuss c section.  Of course the OR's were both full and we would have to wait.

When we finally got into the OR the doctor told me that my dilation had actually decreased... I didn't know that was possible.  Ron put on his funny scrubs, stood at my head and talked to me the whole time.  They strapped my arms down and I just remember shaking uncontrollably.  We smelled something burning and figured that meant that they started.

11:26pm
Lilla is born!  I remember waiting to hear her cry... it felt like eternity.  Then there was this small little coo, or now that I know her, maybe it was a pout but certainly not a cry.  I didn't get a chance to hold my little girl or even see her because I started having severe chest pains and difficulty breathing.  I needed to vomit, but how do I do that when I'm strapped to a table?  I don't really remember a whole lot about the end of my surgery.  I do remember three people putting all of their weight on my rib cage to try to deliver the placenta, I remember throwing up a lot and having to aim for a small cup that they gave Ron to hold (he says I threw up in his face but I'm sure that's not true)  I remember my chest hurting so bad, not being able to breath and being pumped full of drugs to the point where I thought I was forgetting to breathe.  But the worst of all of it was that I remember thinking that I'd never get to hold my baby, and that she would never get to know me, or know how much I loved her.  At some point during all of this mess they rushed Ron out of the room.  He sat alone in our delivery room holding his brand new baby girl thinking that he was going to be a single father.

The doctor decided to staple my incision because of all of the pain I was in and she could finish quicker.  They later told me that they thought I was just having deferred pain.

June 4th 3:30am
I finally get to meet and hold my precious little angel.  She was so perfect and to me she looked just like my mother.  I have rocked her to sleep almost every night of her life (the other ones were Ron's nights) and loved every minute of it.  She has changed my life and I feel very lucky to be her mommy.

Happy first birthday Lilla!  My little little Lilla.